Hi all hope you are well.
Not that anybody noticed, but I didn’t write a blog entry last month, and very nearly didn’t bother this month. There isn’t a mysterious or earth shattering reason why I didn’t, it was just pure laziness. I keep jumping from “What’s the point?” and “Pull yourself together” moods. Also I don’t mind admitting that all this Covid shit is getting me down, so……….this month, to cheer me/you up, my entry is an absolutely true funny story that I wrote and included in my book, “Now that’s Funny”. This can be found here on my website. The story is called “Piss Proud”
You have woken up with a record breaking erection! You think to yourself, ‘why can’t I get erections like this when I need them most?’.
It’s not actually an erection of the sexual nature, but what men call ‘Piss Proud’. It’s when you have a bladder that is full to the brim because you had a couple of beers before bedtime and couldn’t be bothered to go for that last pee before getting into bed. This is me on one of those occasions.
I woke up after a restless night simply because I couldn’t sum up the energy, or was too lazy to get up and go for a pee. I’m sure some of you have been there! I shuffled to the bathroom in a zombieonic state, (I think I just invented that word), anyway, I shuffled to the bathroom and I am now standing in front of the toilet bowl. Mr. Willy is pointing straight up at my chin. If I peed now I was sure I could hit my chin with ease, but I don’t want to do that!
Using my right index finger I push Mr. Willy down to direct him to the bowl. Now, bear in mind that Mr. Willy’s skin is so taught that this action actually hurts. As hard as I push, there is no way he is ever going to point at the bowl! The maximum he will tilt is to point at the uplifted seat.
I calculated that if I took two steps backward, it would be the correct distance for the accumulating pee to find its target, allowing for some springing action and the gale blowing in through the window.
Normally, when having a pee after needing to go urgently, you associate a sort of warm satisfying feeling of relief, not as good as having a good pooh, but close. When you are in this condition this is not the case. After adjusting myself a little more and confirming to myself that I was in the correct position, I let it floooow…
Not only did it feel like I was pissing razor blades, the turbo jet of pee decided to split itself into two streams! Each jet of pee was soaking the floor either side of the bowl!! Nowhere near on target!
So now I have a wet marble floor, a wet hand that is trying to stem the flow, and I’m not even awake yet! I eventually manage to stop the gusher. The bonus is that Mr. Willy is now a little less taught, so hopefully a little more manageable.
I proceed to poke Mr. Willy’s eye a bit with my finger just in case there is some sort of obstruction causing this split in flow. I take a step nearer the bowl and rest my head on the wall behind the bowl, and then shuffle my feet back a tad. I push down on Mr. Willy again and let the backup free…wrong move!
The pee, which was under pressure from my squeezing Mr. Willy’s head, burst forth with such force, it hit the toilet lid, ricocheted off that and sprayed my whole lower body! The shock of this action caused me to jump back, slip on the wet marble floor and bash my chin on the lid on the way down nearly driving my teeth through my tongue, and I cracked my knees on the edge of the toilet bowl!!!
F**K IT I PEED IN THE SHOWER!!
That's it till next time. Stay safe and Peace. xxx
Well you know I'm an Author, so you keep reading, and I will keep writing :)