June 14th, 2017

Well summer has arrived here in Cyprus, not that it ever leaves. For this month’s blog entry, I thought I would treat you to a chapter from my successful book, ‘Only in Cyprus’. You never know you might like it and buy it, and if you do, you may also buy the sequel which is strangely enough called, ‘Only in Cyprus the sequel’. See what you think. I will add the links to both books at the end of this entry.
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The Beach
 
There is a beach to suit everyone’s taste here in Cyprus. There is a beach called ‘Mackenzie’ beach, it is lined with trendy bars and restaurants used mainly by the…well the ‘trendiest’ it’s not unusual to see the likes of Peter Andre milling about here.
There is a promenade/beach called ‘Finigouthes’ which is more geared up for the tourist. Here you will find ‘McDonalds’, ‘Kentucky’, ‘Pizza Hut’ etc. because apparently some tourists don’t like ‘Foreign muck’ to quote an English friend of mine…why come to a foreign country then?
There are beautiful unspoilt hidden coves which you will have to hunt for. 
There are beaches between the Hotels that line Dhekalia road seafront which the Hotels haven’t claimed…yet!
There is even a nudist beach, but I don’t know where that is!
It’s easy to spot the tourist, apart from the Union Jack shorts, the knotted handkerchief on the head, a can or bottle of beer in hand, and that is just the women! They are usually burnt to a crisp within two hours of landing on Cypriot soil no matter what factor lotion they have smeared on. 
All that said it’s even EASIER to spot the Cypriot! And as it’s a book about Cypriots in Cyprus, I’ll talk about them.
There are many kinds of Cypriot beach frequenters, (is that a word? Well it is now), but I will concentrate on the four main ones.

First let’s take the ‘LONE SUNBATHER’, usually a female. She has absolutely no intention of getting wet. She has an immaculate hair do or a hat that wouldn’t look out of place at Ascot. Her sunglasses are ‘Gucci’, and her bikini looks like it would disintegrate if she DID get in the water! She is a professional Sun worshipper.
She gently toasts herself evenly making sure to turn every five minutes and refreshing her lotion each time. She will stand up now and then to brush off the four grains of sand the breeze may have blown onto her towel and another three grains off her body, flicking at them as they were something nasty a dog had left behind…oh, and so we can get another look at her perfect body.
 
Moving on to the ‘TWO GIRLS TOGETHER’ situation. These two are the exact opposite of our first lady. Not only have they every intention of getting soaked, they have brought with them a pump action water pistol each to spray each other and anybody else in the vicinity. Later, the Frisbee comes out and goes everywhere but to each other. Then the bats and ball comes out…there is something naughty about watching two girls playing bat and ball?
A little way up the beach is the ‘TWO BOYS TOGETHER’ who have slowly, inch by inch, got closer as if on ‘Magic towels’ as opposed to Magic Carpets. This is when the game of…well, the game of the Birds and Bees starts! We now have to get each other’s attention so the water pistols come out again and OOPS! They ‘accidently’ wet the boys. After numerous warnings from the boys that if it should happen again the girls would get a dunking in the sea, they accidently get squirted again…and there you have it, ‘Physical contact’ as both girls get a ducking, giggling like, like, well like two girls…the Birds and Bees!
 
*Fanfare of trumpets* Here they come! You can hear them from the car park! That special breed of beach invader, ‘THE CYPRIOT FAMILY’ Yiayia and all. First to land on the beach is Dad, he has come to survey the beach and stake a claim. He thunders on to the beach like a Sumo wrestler all nineteen stone of him! I’m sure he hasn’t seen his Willy for years. Nobody has dared tell him he looks ridiculous in ‘Speedos’ if you can find them that is. He is as bald as a baby’s bum, but his body hasn’t been so lucky, you can just make out patches of skin between the masses of hair, he would give a Silver Back Gorilla a run for his money.

He is followed by his three ‘mini-me’s’, not quite the same weight, but catching up quickly. Two boys, probably ten months between them so they look like twins, and a daughter a bit older who will probably have to start shaving soon.
And here comes the wife, and such a contrast you have never seen! The lady is positively anorexic! A stick insect has more meat on it! It leaves you wondering how on earth they had children together; surely any sexual encounter between them would result in her being severely injured? She has her arm through Yiayias arm that can hardly walk on a hard surface never mind sand! Why are they torturing her so? I can only assume it’s to look after the ‘Weebles’.
They stake their claim by sticking a pole in the sand with an umbrella. The Dad, as if marking his territory, walks backwards dragging his heel in the sand around the pole, he claims about an Acre! This is why…
He returns to the pickup truck with the eldest weeble and comes back with three sun loungers and another umbrella. Second trip he comes back with a plastic table and four chairs. The third trip he returns with a Gazebo! Which they erect in record time as they have done it so many times. Fourth trip is the BBQ, coal and firelighters. Fifth trip are the cold boxes, one with the meat in it, one with salads and fruit, and one with the beers and other cold drinks. The piste de resistance, on the sixth trip, an amplifier, two speakers and a CD player and a small generator that will also power the two halogen lamps that come on the seventh trip! I think they are here for the long term!






This and more such chapters of hilarity can be found at the following links:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00NKPQAPQ
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B01ENS8L28​

Till next month, be well. xx